Memo From Republicans to American Heroes

M E M O R A N D U M

From:       The Republican Party
To:           American Heroes -- Gays & Lesbians in the armed forces, First Responders to 9/11, etc.
Date:        Ongoing
Subject:    Go Fuck Yourselves
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Hey homos -- so what if you're willing to die for your country, you have the skills and training that this country desperately needs as it fights three wars, and the troops have told us over and over again that they want you on the battlefield and don't give a shit who you have waiting for you at home?

We are Republican legislators, and our irrational hatred and fear of gays and lesbians means that we're making it Federal law that you have to lie.  Sure, the armed services are supposed to be about honor, valor, courage, and all that other horseshit we gave up years ago when we sold our souls and realized that demonizing minorities was a good way to distract Bubba Joe and the boys from the fact that we're shipping their jobs overseas so fast we barely have any time left to give tax breaks to our billionaire buddies -- and ourselves. 

But screw honor, valor and courage -- we'd rather have money and power, no matter what kind of hatred and bullshit backwards justification we have to spread around like fresh manure in order to get it!  We're too busy apologizing to BP for putting our beaches in the way of their oil to care about you people.  Go get killed fighting in our ridiculous wars that will eventually lead to the end of America -- just keep your pink, pansy pie-holes shut about your homofaggotry, and die quietly.

And for all of you who ran forward to help this country when terrorists unleashed the biggest act of war on the American mainland, well...ever...thanks for your help!  Now go crawl into a corner somewhere and choke to death on your own black lungs or something -- Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick, don't you people ever just go away?!?  You served your purpose on 9/11 and in the months afterward, and we're done with you.  It's OVER.  O V E R.  Stop calling.  Stop texting.  No, we don't want to see a movie with you Saturday night.  We used you.  Get it??  You served your purpose, and we tossed you on the heap of human garbage like yesterday's used Kleenex. 

Honestly, what makes you think we'd have any use for you now?  You have cancers, you can't breathe right, you're coughing up a storm -- no thanks!!  We have mistresses and girlfriends in MUCH better shape, thank you (oh, and uh, I guess wives too)-- we're just not interested.  GET.  THE.  HINT.  And let this be a lesson to the rest of America -- when we're under attack, sure, we need you.  But don't go thinking it means we're in some kind of long-term relationship.  We're just not that into you.