One Milwaukee Priest Apologizes

Hey, kid, sorry for all the fondling, the forced sucking, the deep penetration of your sweet, tender lil ass, the nightmares, the inability to trust, the difficulty forming relationships for the rest of your life, etc., etc., etc.  But listen -- we don't feel like paying for your therapy or anything, regardless of what the courts decided after that super-traumatic trial we put you through...so we've filed a piece of paper that says we don't have to, because we're broke. 

Bummer?  Sure it is, kid -- but hey, if you want to take your mind off your troubles, come to our home office, the Vatican, and take a look around -- if it can't make you forget your troubles, nothing can!!  Trust me -- our museums are filled with artwork by Caravaggio, Michaelangelo, Leonardo, and Raphael, altogether worth literally billions and billions of dollars.  Our buildings are ornamented with gold, silver, precious stones, and fine marble -- you will be overwhelmed!  Our CEO, the Pope, lives in a palace with 1,400 rooms -- I shit you not! While you're there, check out his Prada slippers, and the solid gold cup he says mass with! 

Or if you can't afford the plane ticket -- I mean, we just weaseled out of paying you after all, so it's certainly understandable!! -- just stay home and watch t.v.!  We pay for millions and millions of dollars worth of false advertising in states voting on marriage equality, spreading lies about gay people to deny them civil rights from their government. 

For the real punchline, every Sunday, we hold ourselves up to be the arbiters of right and wrong.  We tell people to ignore what their own conscience says, and turn to us to dictate what morality means.  If that doesn't make you laugh, kid, you've got NO sense of humor!  LOL 

Hope that helps distract you from your woes -- something better, they'll be with you for the rest of your life.  Anyways...see ya. 

Oh hey, kid -- one more thing...is that your lil brother, the blonde one playing over there in the sandbox?  Does he want to be an altar boy....?

Catholic Archdiocese of Milwaukee Files for Bankruptcy

Jan. 4 (Bloomberg) -- The Archdiocese of Milwaukee, which serves 644,000 Catholics in southeastern Wisconsin, filed for bankruptcy, citing lawsuits alleging sexual abuse by priests.

The petition, filed in U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Milwaukee, listed as much as $50 million in debt, not including payments that may need to be made related to personal-injury lawsuits.

“This action is occurring because priest-perpetrators sexually abused minors,” the archdiocese said in a statement on its website.